A selection of services rendered by my consulting firm Imperial Services in 2012:

Introducing into the weekday life of a downtown San Francisco businessman 3 or 4 unexpected events.

Advised a woman fresh from a breakup on how best to exorcise her ex.

Selected music for the funeral of the client’s father.

Designed a procedure to test the fidelity of a client’s wife.

Gave a color consultation for paint to be applied to the back of a painting’s frame.

Read a book for someone.

Gave a theoretical physicist some ideas for experiments.

Determined sufficient answers for the world’s most pressing questions.

Provided a client with a list of pressing questions.

Diverted a client’s magazine subscriptions to someone in need.

Taught a client how to ignore advertising.

Removed bad vibes from a room.

Created a custom painting.

Documented a client’s road trip.

Tutored client on an arcane subject.

Learned Finnish.

Authored a full Wikipedia entry about client.

Filled the potholes along a client’s route to and from work.

Allowed a client to be silly and frivolous without consequence.

Helped a radio station broadcast in Russian for 48 hours to make an immigrant feel more at home.

Helped a client compose love letters.

Provided a client with a subject for stalking.

Posed as a client for a blind date at a business function.

Business card. ca. 1957 showing the original logo that bears the Latin saying “Audentes Fortuna Iuvat”, i.e. “Fortune favors the bold.” Designer uncredited.